one false move
by fortythousandth
Summary: ...and you'll both be dead. Michiru, during the search for the three talismans.


Haruka has this grin, this slouchy white almost feral smile. It reminds you of a jungle cat, gorgeous but dangerous, capable of ripping out throats in less time than it would take you to blink.

So you plan ahead. You're the one who gets to leave marks on her neck, angry purple stains, pinning her down while she writhes and bucks her hips up beneath you, and you're the one who lathes your tongue across the bruises while she tries not to whimper.

Every time you hope, but senshi healing always washes away the bruises by morning.

She will never be yours. But it doesn't mean you can't, for at least a little while, have her.

You wonder-and then stop wondering because you know-that there's something seriously wrong with you.

* * *

Another day, another disappointment, another heart crystal floating back into another victim.

Terrified friends crowd around, hugging the woozy girl collapsed against the tree, some crying, all just so damn happy.

Next to you, Uranus watches in the shadows, mouth pressed into a firm line. She's trying to look impartial, but only someone like you can see the clear relief hidden in her eyes.

It's another day free.

Your stomach curls with disgust as you watch the girl and her friends. All of them get to be so happy, so carefree. None of them could do what you're doing.

And you want it over with. Just...over. Get it over and then the world will be saved and you won't have to worry anymore. It'll be done and the suspense will be gone and there'll be nothing left but you, living with yourself in the light of day.

Just once. If you could be right only just once…

You're wishing for someone's death. The death of three people. Your stomach turns and you swallow down the taste of bile because you thought you were _over_ this.

Instead, you grab Uranus, drag her into the closest alley you can find, and shove her up against the rough brick.

It makes you sick, but you're going to have to do it. If-when-you find the talismans, it's going to have to be you.

It can't be Haruka. You can't let her put herself through that. You can't be the cause of any more ruin in her life.

There is no way you deserve her.

And you know you're living on borrowed time until she realizes this for herself.

You kiss her and nip at her lip until you taste blood, waiting for the sweet acrid taste to bring you back to your senses.

* * *

You've told her _Leave me_. It's been the rule from the start: don't go back for me. The mission is more important. The world is more important.

You know-you've known all your life-that in the grand scheme of things, the entity that is Kaioh Michiru is a pawn. Utterly inconsequential.

You were prepared to, but you don't think you would've survived without Haruka. Without Uranus. Perhaps it would have been a relief. The world would have gone straight to hell, but then again, you've never really cared that much about the world.

And why should you? The world never really cared that much about you, either. The world cares about what you can give it. All of the people and sounds and disappointments never amounted to much in your eyes.

Now, it's not the world you're trying to save.

It's Haruka.

First it means hardening her, getting her used to her prospects, because Haruka can't kill three people, even secondhand. She just can't.

It means letting her believe that you're just a fellow soldier, that you could and would leave her at any second if the situation called for it. (It kills you, how eagerly Haruka has accepted this rule. Sometimes you find yourself wondering if she doesn't want you to follow it a bit too much, but that's just unbearable, and you move away from that stream of thought quickly.)

It means working things out with her. Against her.

Thousands of years ago, Uranus and Neptune were together. They were in love.

But now, you can't have that luxury. Haruka can never love you. It's a weakness.

One false move, and you're both dead.

* * *

You tangle your hand in soft blonde hair and yank her even closer, her moan sending vibrations through your entire body from between your legs, and she slides her tongue against you fully, utterly devoted to this task (as she is to every task assigned to her-this just may be Tenoh Haruka's fatal flaw).

You're coming and you grab onto her even tighter. You're hurting her, you know you are, but you can't help it. You need to hold on to her. You need her to keep you tethered.

You don't want the aftershocks to end. You want to stay wrapped up in bed and the darkness. You don't want to get up. You don't want to have to keep going.

Forget the world. You never asked for this. Haruka certainly didn't ask for this. If you could just stay here and let it happen, you don't think you'd mind an apocalypse if Haruka was here. The buildings crashing and the sky pulsing around you while you were safe in Haruka's arms.

Haruka settles down beside you, props her head up. The look in her eyes is tender, soft-way too close to love.

You feel like crying. You want to slap her and tell her to _stop it_. Stop being like this. Stop caring. Wake up and see you as you are-a terrified young girl who will, before the year is up, be either dead or a murderer three times over.

She doesn't love you. She can't love you.

You settle into her arms. You curse your weakness for the rest of the night.

* * *

It's the end of the world.

By the evening, three people will be dead and this whole pitiable world will be saved and then what?

It's the end of the world and you're sprawled out on your bed, Haruka with three fingers inside of you and holding back tears, you rocking against her and scratching your nails down her back.

You want blood. You want to leave something. You want to prove that you were here.

And if Haruka is what you save, well, there are worse fates in the world.

You close your eyes, grit your teeth. You need it harder. You need it faster.

You reach up and pull her head down, kissing her with more ferocity than elegance, teeth smashing together and nose bent but hell, you need it, and she's responding, pounding in and out of you with a vicious tenacity that you've never felt from her before, and yes, this is it, this is finally it.

It hurts, but you need her to hurt you.

She can't be scared of you. She can't look at you like something precious, something worth protecting.

You need her to stop caring. You need her to fuck you like you've never meant anything, because you can't mean anything to her, not now, not ever, you can't, that way maybe she'll be able to get out of this thing with a chance to be saved. You need her to forget about you as someone worthwhile, you need her to _use_ you-

Your orgasm takes you both by surprise, ripping through you with astounding force, a small explosion, and Haruka doesn't let you go, doesn't let up, keeps going as your body shudders.

You don't usually get off from just this, but it's _Haruka_. It's Haruka, and this is the end, and it's just…

You didn't want her to get involved in this. You would have been fine without her. You'd resigned yourself. You were ready.

She just had to come along and decide to save the world anyway, with that damn idealism that you haven't seen in months, that idealism that you've carefully spent the better part of a year eroding, and now you're at the end and you can't help it because everything you've been doing this whole time, everything was for Haruka's sake.

To keep her safe.

To keep her as unscathed as possible.

You're not sure if the wetness you feel on your face is yours or hers. You don't know if you're crying. You don't know if you're feeling anything.

You don't know if you can feel anything anymore.

Instead, you sit up, push her off, and go to get dressed. "Are you ready?" you ask.

Haruka murmurs something under her breath, but when you turn to look at her she's up and moving, and before you can think too hard about anything you're off to meet your destiny.


End file.
